Usually American Express blows me away, but today their "Accept Pay" service failed me miserably. First of all I signed up online for the demo so I could see what features this service had versus the existing invoicing system that we use for business. This went fine. Then maybe 20 minutes or so later I get a call from their customer support. It was a guy who was "here to answer any questions I might have about the service".  Well I must have asked him the unheard of "how much of a percentage do you take to process a payment".

He replied with something like "I am not able to answer any of questions regarding the pricing, let me get you a blah blah support rep".

Well I am transfered to that guy and he is not allowed to tell me how much it actually costs until he finds out what industry I am in. I tell him consulting / search marketing, and he tells me they do not accept that. End of the call.

So these 2 asshats, already knew what industry I was in when I signed up for AMEX (4 years ago), know which industry I was in when I signed up for their demo an hour ago, yet call me and bug the shit out of me to get a sale to a service they do not support. LAME. Amex you failed me on this one. Tighten up your forms and your data between departments and do not waste my time. I will use paypal, since you do not seem to offer anything I cannot currently get right now.

So that was 10 minutes of my time today. Yesterday I bought a new car, which should take what an hour or two at the most to buy. It took me 4 fucking hours. I have no idea what took so long other than the 20 minute pitch to get me to buy some rust / dent / ding protection? Nuts to that.

Anyhow today I had to call a place I ordered floor mats from CarID.com – 800-505-3274 – I had to change the address on file since the shipping will take a few days longer than expected. Anyhow the hold message at this place is ridiculous. It is some dude talking about these various trivia and other bullshit. Things that are good luck like a spider falling on you. Just really weird stuff. He threatens about if you complain about the message it will take twice as long the next time you call in. It is interesting and something different than what you normally expect. Anyhow it is like a "down home" american male talking. I wait on hold for however long and it is totally a call center in India or somewhere. Bait and switch on the tech support, but they handled the issue once I got through and the dude was nice.

If you run an ecommerce store and do tech support give this number a listen to see how weird the message is: 800-505-3274

Lastly I have been using a new email filtering service because my email has been HAMMERED with spam. It seemed like it started out fine and then it went to shit. Well anyhow I call DNA Mail up today, and I get this rocking piano solo loop as the message. It is terrible. It sounds like an angry person just smashing the keyboard and it is looped. It is fucking terrible. So I threw my phone on speaker phone and typed this thing up while I waited. I could not handle it anymore and left a message. So DNAMails way of handling customer support is to delay the customer support action to a point where you either A) no longer need their help or B) the fire/urgency of the problem has died down by the time you call.

Hopefully these Jamokes will call me back while I am not busy doing anything else.

So here is todays customer support Scorecard:

1. American Express Accept Pay – F- you wasted my time, did not help, and do not even serve my kind. Your credit card department is usually great, this one; not so much!

2. CarID.com – B+ – You kept me entertained while I was on hold, and then you bait and switched me to an offshore company, BUT it was pretty quick and you handled my issue.

3. DNA Mail – Worse than an F. You play terrible music, keep me on hold forever and then force me to wait for a returned phone call. I am your customer and you treat me like shit. Might be time to change companies.

Being the genius I am, I am came up with a much better plan to use that money:

According to the census.gov population clock, the current population in the US is: 305,767,035

If you take 800 billion and divide it by the US population you get $2610 per person.

I say screw anyone who never paid in, so you cut out the people who have not paid taxes. According to wikipedia, there are 138 million taxpayers in the US.

So now you take 800 trillion and divide it by 138 million taxpayers: $5797 per tax payer!

Now you just do not give that money away!

You have a strict set of rules that people need to follow in order to get the full amount:

1. You must spend the money within 60 days – I think this is the most important. People will just save it if you let them. So do not let them.
2. You can pay down dept with money, including medical, educational, mortgages, credit cards, etc.  However you must have the debt for at least 120 days prior to the date when this announced and have proof of it, or maybe a low/crappy credit score/be in collections, etc etc.
3. If you do not have debt, pat yourself on the back, but get some "good dept" (lol). You can use this money towards a down payment to either first time home purchase, new car/boat/plane/motorcycle/jet ski (not used, and has to be in the dealers inventory)
4. You must spend the money within the USA. Sorry foreign countries, print your own money.

Now if you fail to meet that criteria, you can still get some "free stimulus" to help out other sectors. You would need rules on this too:

• Set the limit slightly less of the debt recovery section. Maybe $5000?
• 30-60 day expiration period on these "government gift cards".
• Maybe they are made by Visa or Amex, whoever wants to get on board.
• Make them in the following denominations; $250, $500, $1000, $2000, $5000. That would force people to think about what they want or need. Also you would allow it for anything in those sectors except for giftcards.
• Make it as good as cash, but only to places who accept VISA/Amex/MC. Since that stuff is trackable it screws any cash only businesses from the stimulus.

These are the sectors I am thinking you could get cards in:

1. Travel: you can get $5000 to blow on a trip anywhere in the US, airfare, hotels, meals, etc OR You can get $5000 to book a return trip anywhere in the world. You could also just get the $5000 travel card and eat out for every meal in your own city for that 30-60 day expiration period.
2. Retail:  Superstores like Amazon/Walmart/Target would fit in here, and you could use this for anything in the store. You could use it at any mall, any clothing store, etc, etc, etc. I would think hardware stores and such would fit in here as well.
3. Grocery: If groceries are your concern get a few grocery cards. Stock up and remember they expire in 60 days.
4. Service: auto repair, work on your home, massages, etc etc etc
5. Education: You could use it for existing school, or use it "as good as cash' towards any real college.
6. Dept: As mentioned above.

Obviously this plan needs some fine tuning but I think it is a pretty good start. I think it may be better if you issue it as a whole new currency… like a whole separate "credit card" system.

I kind of like the name "Bailout Bucks" better than "Government Gift Cards".

What are your thoughts, what would you change/add to this?

I think I would get $1000 in travel and visit some friends, $1000 in service and do some work around the house (better insulation, new drywall in some spots, ceiling fan, and paint), $2000 in retail for new appliances and $500 in travel for eating out like a maniac. I would also drink on it if that was allowed.

If you got this money would you pay down debt? or what would you blow it on? Foriegners, are you jealous of us Americans?

Dear Mr. Redenbacher,

Orville I know you are dead, but your family / ConAgra foods are tainting your good name and the quality company you once built.  First off a few years ago they made a really creepy computer generated version of yourself which I covered here: Orville Redenbacher – Back From The Dead. Now they are using your sweet face and name on a box that is FULL OF LIES.

I was shopping at the grocery store and went down the snack soft drink isle and though I would like some sweet sweet popcorn. So I browsed the different types, and saw one that sounded good. Orville Redenbacher's Kettle Korn – "Slightly sweet & slightly salty". It sounded perfect. A quick glance at the box, I see your pretty face on it, along with the words "Naturally Sugar Free".  Perfect, I throw it in my cart, head home, and pop, pop, POP it up a few days down the road.

At first all is good, but then I get a sickening sweet/wrong taste in my mouth after eating this. A similar aftertaste when you eat something with SweetNLow or one of those other chemical sweeteners. So I drink a glass of water, try and shake it and check out the box. Sure enough Orville, you rascally ol' devil, you slipped in the unnatural/disgusting/etc ARTIFICIAL sweetener Sucralose in it (street name of Splenda).

So on the front of your box it says, "Naturally Sugar Free", and on the back of the box it shows an artificial/potentially unsafe sweetener called Sucralose.

Being both old and dead, I am guessing you do not know what Sucralose is… let me give you some quotes and some links to follow up on.

A Sugar Association complaint to the Federal Trade Commission points out that "Splenda is not a natural product. It is not cultivated or grown and it does not occur in nature." – wikipedia

Sucralose is derived from sugar through a patented, multi-step process that selectively substitutes three chlorine atoms for three hydrogen-oxygen groups on the sugar molecule. The tightly bound chlorine atoms create a molecular structure that is exceptionally stable. – IFIC

SPLENDA® Sucralose is manufactured by a multi-step patented process which starts with cane sugar. The process selectively replaces three hydrogen-oxygen groups on the sugar molecule with three chlorine atoms. The result is a sweetener that is approximately 600 times sweeter than sugar. – Tate & Lyle (patent owners)

So last I checked, most things that are NATURAL, do not go through a multi step – patented process that replaces parts of the molecules with chlorine atoms.

Here are some pictures (click on them to see the full details) just so you do not think I am trying to pull an 'ol fasty on big Orv:

So there you have it Orville, I hope I have showed you that there is nothing natural about sucralose, and that your are full of it when you put "Naturally Sugar Free" on your Kettle Korn popcorn box. I am truly disappointed in you Mr. Redenbacher, and hope that you do what you can to see that this little slip up gets corrected. In the future please keep Sucralose out of your products, or do not try to pass them off as "Naturally Sugar Free".

Your long time fan,

George aka Werty aka "The Trose"

I put no script back on my firefox install just so I could block Google Analytics.

It seems like 80% of the websites I go to have Analytics installed on it (even I use it on this hunk of shit site), so they are getting a massive amount of browsing data for all of us assholes who use gmail and what not… so I say balls to them. Let them track me another way… which may actually be through cookies on sites using analytics… not really sure how it works, but I would love to hear a way to block them from obtaining my browsing data completely.

I am fine with them gathering my data from their own sites, but 3rd parties I am bit paranoid about.

I saw an interesting presentation at Defcon this last week which pretty much proved that Google does not give a fuck about the well being of their users. It was done by a guy named RSNAKE, who I have never heard of (not surprising, since I am not a "hacker"), but he did one hell of a presentation. It was actually awesome.

Worth checking out his work… here is a link to one of the issues with gmodules and the exploits. And an article about how Google is ranked the worst in privacy.

It turns out RSNAKE is the equivalent of Aaron Wall / SEOBOOK, but in the Hacker/security community instead of the marketing side of things. I think the 2 of them should talk.

Anyhow it seems as Google is getting more powerful with more reach each day. Them "merging" with Yahoo on the advertising side of things is some pretty scary shit, and it will be interesting to see how that plays out. If I had to guess, there will be some heavy outside intervention to prevent that from happening.

Anyhow, I hope it does not happen, and either MSFT buys them, or Jerry Yang gets shot, and the company is run by someone who is less of an asshole.

I am hoping someone can spider the interweb and see what percent of sites are running Google Analytics, so I can properly shit myself when I see the usage data. It would be nice to scan the top 100,000 Alexa sites and see who is sharing data with the BIG G.

Anyhow, that is all. Are you scared of Google? I am!

* Actually I love you Google. You make me money day in and day out. You have the best advertising platform out there. Even though you are doing your best to make me pay more per click, I am okay with that. You deliver real users, and lots of them. Keep up the good work.

Your Sprint.com Live Chat Transcript:
This is an automated eMail. Please do not respond to this eMail as it will be recieved by an eMail box that is unattended:
Agent: Hello, I'm a Sprint products and services expert. May I help you pick the plan that is best for you?
You: how much would 3 phones, 2 blackberries, and a data card cost oer month (4000minutes package)
You: per month
Agent: I can address your concerns. First, may I move this chat to the top of your window so it won't block the web page and allow me to better assist you as we move to other pages? OK?
You: ok
Agent: Can you see the page below?
You: yes
Agent: Perfect!
Agent: Unfortunately we are unable to give you a total of your monthly taxes. Those taxes are calculated by your location and actual monthly phone usage.
You: that is okay
You: not going to buy today. going to merge phone accounts of employees in jan
Agent: Okay.
Agent: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
You: still waiting on the initial request
You: maybe the page push did not work properly
Agent: What page did you want to see?
You: i want to know homuch it would be for 4000 minutes a month, 2 blackberries (unlimmited usage) and 3 phones
You: and one data card with unlimited usage
Agent: At the checkout page you will see the monthly charges. You do not have to place the order, you can just get an idea.
You: did you add the stuff to my cart?
Agent: No.
You: Allright, well thank you. Have a good day.
Agent: Again, my name is Jessica. Thank you for visiting Sprint.com today. We appreciate your interest and look forward to meeting your wireless needs in the future. Have a great day

When I first visited Canada like 5-6 years ago my dollar was worth 1.47 canadian. When I lived in Canada 2 years ago it started at around 1.21 and would have lows of about 1.17 when I finally moved back to the US. A few months ago I emptied my Canadian account when I visited and it was at around 1.05. Today it is at 99 cents. WTF?

The US dollar has been going to shit for a while it seems, and I do not think most people notice because they still can eat of the dollar menu at McDonalds/BurgerKing/Wendys, and actually never have to spend their money in a foreign market… I have traveled a bit and it seems like ever time I go abroad it gets more expensive to eat/drink/sleep. This will be my first trip to Asia so I have never really been watching those conversion rats, since we pay our foreign staff in USD.

Just the current observations:

USD vs CAN (canada) = us to shit

USD vs YEN (japan) =US was pretty strong, but dropped in july by about 10%

USD vs CNY (china)= steady decline in the last year. This will be a fun one to watch.

USD vs PHP (philippines) = steady decline in the last yea, means our staff has gotten a steady paycut month over month.

USD vs UAH (ukraine) = not sure

USD vs PKR (pakistan) = this one has actually been pretty steady

USD vs EUR (Euro) = 10-15% drop over the last year. WEAK BALLZ

So who of my readers have noticed their dollar is worth shit or is going to shit against any other country? What are you doing to help protect you from this?

Have any of you started to diversify your affiliate sites to hit foreign markets where you get paid in the euro or other currency?

Besides bitching about it, what can be done to secure a US business against an ongoing weakening dollar?

Honestly, I could care less if you hold hands or fuck in public, I may even watch… but when an isle at the grocery store allows for at most 3 shopping carts to pass by, and you 2 PDA displaying assfucks are taking up the width of 2 carts and not even shopping, you need to get the fuck out of the store or at least out of my way.

-When the Trose speaks, NO ONE LISTENS

Your web site is absolutely terrible. I attempted to login to my account a few times this morning and had no luck. all you supplied me was a cryptic message about how I was logged out. I navigated up a few levels because I thought it may have been a redirect issue. It was not. I found out you were doing site maintenance.

This is not the first time I have been disappointed with the low quality website. On a prior visit I attempted to upgrade my phone calling plan, to a plan ONLY available online. Well this failed so I was forced to call. After much investigation and finding out your customer service reps could not upgrade this online special I was forced to try again later when my BALANCE was zero. I use your automatic billing, so I should be able to upgrade at any time. The way your system is now, I am forced to upgrade within the first few days of the month. Another annoying feature and another barrier in getting me to spend more money with you.

Hire a usability specialist.

I had to cut my message short because they only allow 755 characters or something. It has to be one of the worst websites I have ever used.

The story I tried to tell them was when I attempted to upgrade my service plan to something better to cover unlimited calls within the US. Weird error on the website (755 I think). After 30 minutes or so on the phone dealing with various customer support agents and different parts of the company I got my answer that pretty much told me I could only upgrade my account online when my balance is zero. I asked if I could pay it off on the phone with a CC and if they could upgrade me then. They said I could pay, but it would take 2-3 days to process, and that I could not do internet specials online…

I get monthly billing, and I have it so it automatically pays my account. I think the time span of when my balance is zero is from like the 4th of the month through the 7th. A 3 day window where I can actually use their web interface to change around my account. It is terrible.

Anyhow fuck you AT&T. Hurry the fuck up and get a decent speed DSL line to my house so I can cancel my overpriced ComCast cable modem.

Oh fuck…hahaha to make matters worse I just tried to submit their form and got this:

The phone number you entered was not found. Please re-enter the phone number you are trying to contact us about so that we can better assist you.

Get a clue ATT

While I think curing AIDS is a big deal, I do not think that Curing AIDS is the intentions of the companies involved… I am guessing it is to build trust from the idiots who buy their shit and get free press from the news (by saying they are doing something good), as well as reach a new group of people who were not previously BUYING.

Here are some examples of how the gap is basically tricking the consumer:

So they gap says they are donating half the PROFITS to the global fund… which means they are actually making MORE from the sale of the RED products because you bought into the hype…here is my Math..real simple math.

The Gap Men’s Boxer Briefs:

Red Boxer Briefs: $20 – cost of boxers (lets say $5…assuming far less) = $15 profit. Divide by 2 = 7.50 for the Gap, 7.50 for AIDS.

Regular Boxer Briefs: $20 for 2 > $10 each. $10 – the same $5 cost as above = $5 profit for the gap.

Notice, that because you bought the “RED” boxers, the gap made an extra $2.50. If you would have just paid $10 for the boxers and donated $10 to the charity, the charity would make an extra $2.50…but you wanted to support the cause.

My math also does not include the extra cost that the gap incurs for the extra marketing of their RED products…but no fear, they are splitting the cost of that by ONLY donating half of the PROFIT.

I hope someone can prove me wrong with this, because I really hope it is a good cause… but to me it just sounds like another one of the many ways to market an unnecessary product.

What are your thoughts? Am I just a jaded asshole, or am I on to something?

Apparently the people over ConAgra Foods thought it would be a good idea to bring Orville Redenbacher back to life. From the about us page:

Hello, I'm Orville Redenbacher. You may remember me from the popcorn commercials of the 1970's, 1980's, and early 1990's. Well, it's been about 15 years, but now I am back selling popcorn in some new and exciting TV commercials.

If you did not know Orville died on September 20th 1995. He drowned to death as he suffered from a heart attack in his whirlpool/tub.

I am guessing Orville lived a good life, and was always a nice old man in the commercials. Now they brought back a bastardized version of this character as something that reminds me of a meth head/junky. He seems like he is hopped up on something, and he is trying a little too hard to fit in with todays technology. Here is the dialog from the commercial:

The commercial freaks me out. Everyone I have showed it to thinks the same thing about it. It is scary as hell, and something is just not right in it, and I do not trust this Orville what-so-ever.

I think junkie/meth head / zombie.
My sister thinks that it is an imposter wearing the original Orville's face as a "flesh mask"
Another friend describes it as somewhat alien.

You will need flash to view it: Click here & enjoy (from here), or shit yourself in fear, and let me know what you think.

Here is my transcript:

"Hello, I'm Orville Redenbacher."
(people in office turn their heads in fear as they hear the voice of a ghost)
"These Mp3 platers get lighter everyday. Can you believe this little baby holds 30 gigs?"
(inside oif microwaze, creepy junky hands grab a back of popped popcorn)
"But if you want light and fluffy, you got to try my famous gourmet popping corn. Mine pops lighter and fluffier then ordinary popping corn."
(spills popcorn in and outside of a bowl)
"See any Old maids(????), nearly 100% popped. You'll like it better, or my name isnt Orville Redenbacher"
(he does a little zobie bop dance, and a crowd gathers around the old ghost, like they cannot believe their eyes)

Scary.