I feel warn down after a week of traveling. camping, consulting, and being pampered. I feel physically and mentally tired but I feel like I have seen and lived more in this last week then in the previous 20 odd years of my life. I learned a lot about myself and I think a lot about others, or at least the way I do, or should interact with them. I had lots of time to reflect on myself and the situations I wind up in, found happiness, loneliness, sadness, and fulfillment all in the same week.
To make a long story short, or maybe just shorter, I will just say that I have been really unhappy with myself for a while now, whether it be work, play, relationships, physical activity, etc, I have just been bad. I have taken jobs for nothing more than money. I have seen relationships come and go, I have seen friends grow up and move on with their lives, leaving me silent in the dust.
If I look back to a time when I experienced bliss, I will see that my life was more simple, more focused, the only thing that mattered was creation, everything else came along with it…and with those things came confusion and the burden of the consumer lifestyle.
This last week I stepped outside of my "norm" and went to an unchartered, unplanned, adventure. I went down camping at the Bonnaroo music festival in the middle of nowhere Tennessee. I car pooled with strangers, and camped under the stars. I had no real plans other than to meet up with Aaron, see Beck and Radiohead and take in the weekend for what it was. It was great… well great if you do not count the numerous times I thought I was going to die on the way home, but that constant state of fear let me think about death, and the things that go along with it…wondering what I would leave behind if I was gone…
Some heavy shit… only heavy because I have been focused on making $$$ the last few years and little else… I feel like I have been a bad brother, son / grandson, friend, employee, and artist. Which would not leave much of anything.
To contrast the last statement, the second half of my week consisted of living like a king back in the consulting/SEO world… I was wined and dined and my brain was tapped and drained…
The first half of the week I had nothing, and that is all I could want, the second half it felt like I had everything but wanted none of it.
So what does the future hold? Not really sure… Am I going to keep putzing along making some money doing this SEO/PPC stuff? Am I going to rethink the whole strategy. Why do it half assed? For a little more effort once in a while I could hit things hard, make a serious dent and some serious cake…plus that would free time for other things, such as art related activities… It seems that by doing things mediocre, I have been living in mediocrity…
I think it is time to get EXTREME, both in work, and in playâ€¦and at some point flip the play with work. I have some ideas itching away at my insides and I need to build them. I am working with 2 characters and their interactionâ€¦ I just cannot figure out how their lives fit togetherâ€¦
Tonight I saw a friend that I have not seen for what seems like ages. He came out on the train and we went right to the store for steaks for the grill. It was great, we cooked a bad ass dinner and caught up, I could not ask for more. He is in the middle of a life change and I hope all goes through for him…he has my support should he need an undependable, bald(ing??), fat fuck of a friend to cheer for him. (c;
Well enough is enough and this post is hella long, so it is time to end it. To summarize, this trip was great and it got me to thinking about life and living…and it is time to start.